Healing

“The most important thing is not that you changed yourself but you accepted yourself and wanted to be better.”

For me, I think it was because of my growing environment and the different concept of education. I had a sense of stigma almost from the very beginning when I suspected that I was in depression. The reason for this feeling is that I am afraid of being criticized, discriminated and looked down. This greatly influenced the process of my decision to visit the doctor.

The doctor’s diagnosis is essential for me because I think it is easy for my friends to misunderstand my ideas and expression. Each time I ask help to my friends, but their reaction is always “don’t think too much”. And then I found that my mood would be more irritable and my state will be worse. Obviously, it was not my friends’ fault, because they did not know my illness and situation, so after many times of “indifference” from my friends, I chose to consult the doctor for help.

Before I visited the doctor, I didn’t believe they can “save” me. After saw them, I found that the specific way still needs myself to grope, but the doctor can answer me questions in a professional point of view. They just like the night in the long river of the lighthouse, which has played an essential role in guiding me and helped me realize myself at that time.

Because I felt anxious lots of time and thought of too many things about the future, even avoided to contact with others which can reduce the possibility of conflicts. The doctor told me these thoughts were normal, but I needed to regulate the scale, which was the cause of my depression. Because I am accompanied by insomnia and lack of food, therefore, I am cooperating with herbal medicine, sports and meditation until now. I feel that I’m gradually getting better.

Even now, there are still some moments I feel afraid and anxious, but I know, I’m gradually accepting myself as I am, instead of blindly pursuing the so-called normal thoughts and performance.

Of course, if you don’t talk with your friends about this issue, you guys can still have a good time together which will keep your mood up and make you feel better.