Self- Harm

“Using the pain to justify my existence is stupid.”

After a terrible time with Mr. Alcohol and Mr. Cigarette, I felt a lack of energy and no spirit. By the way, the whole progress lasted 2 to 3 years, sometimes I can deal with everything and enjoy my healthy life, but sometimes I can’t.

The after-effects of my previous depression, when I chose to numb myself with alcohol and nicotine, made me feel uncomfortable.

I gave up this paralyzing method not because I had recovered from an awkward situation, but I wanted a more efficient and concise way to end the pain.

Before I hurt myself more, I had gone through the staged of self-loathing, self-mockery, and self-doubt. After certifying that drinking and smoking can’t help me, I chose a more profound approach. Self-mutilation with an art knife was not the way to end my life but was an efficient way to end the suffering from my brain. This kind of extreme practice of relieving pain gave me pleasure in pain. The only downside to this is that it left some traces on my body.

The next day when I woke up, the wound was burning pain, but my brain was calming down. But along with that was my disgust for the dangerous act of not cherishing my own life. I have only tried this behavior twice in my worst case. The scars on the surface of my body and remind me to value my own life. Besides, the most important reason why I stop hurt myself is my mom. She is the most important person for me, so I hung up her photo on the wall of my dormitory. When I looked up, I just saw her smiling face, I can’t harm myself anymore.

And also, I have cried lots of times during the painful time that my nerves ached. I can’t do anything, and I thought there was no one help me, so I just feel very despair. However, this was the most significant misunderstanding before you talk with someone else about your condition.

Anyway, the most stupid thing is you hurt yourself, don’t care about your own health and make people who care about you sad.